I am flying again, leaving yet another place. No longer in an airplane but this vehicle also has wings. The clouds have settled inside and the exterior is gleaming, striking passers-by with its glare. I am enjoying the ride, slipping and sliding on the puffy, white leather, smooth as butter.
The sky-blue Monte-Carlo has arrived to take me to this new land where bananas and chocolate are bountiful. I've been promised delicacies in exchange for leaving my friends and extended family. I do not yet ask for these items in this endless white landscape where food has no place.
My uncle is proud and his pride glints in every sparkle of the vehicle. I will see him every weekend using cotton T-shirts to wipe his flying machine which takes him away from his work as a bus boy. He has a swagger to his walk around his beloved car which disappears quickly and quietly away from it.
I hold onto the shiny handle attached to the door, trying not to slide around. Thankfully, my mother sits next to me, keeping me in place. She compliments him on the fancy car but does not seem impressed. There is disapproval in her eyes but all I can think about are the treats offered long ago, and yet to be seen.
I blurt out, "When will I get my chocolate?" Everyone laughs and the air inside no longer suffocates. My uncle pinches my cheek and gives me a yellow bag of chocolate covered, peanut m&ms. I am in heaven.
5 comments:
i enjoyed the disorientation of this piece - first i am in a sci fi world of a flying machine w clouds inside, then "simply" in the family car, but the fantastic is still there. reminded me of a miyazaki cartoon, familiar and fanciful meeting in a child's worldview. one technical detail to look into if you were going to revise: this sentence was unclear to me: "He has a swagger to his walk around his beloved car which disappears quickly and quietly away from it."
Good for you for being the first!
I loved the paragraph right before the end, where the family tensions start to show. That felt very human and real.
In comparison, it isn't very clear what's happening in the beginning, or why, which could be entirely purposeful, but I responded to the ending more.
This really comes to life for me. Buttery seats, the land of bananas--I love it--a world that is full of tastes!
As you think about developing this even more and seeing where it goes, I would love to see more of what is happening in the family. What is the larger context of what is happening? Why are they there? Why does the uncle love the car so much and the mother disapproves?
I really like this snippet of a story. I can see the images and these characters so vividly.
I've really enjoyed the posts so far, and wish I could say more but I'm out of town at an internet cafe and need to get off the computer. Will post more on my return. Unfortunately, I won't be able to make class on Wed. night. See you all the week after.
Hope new comments are still welcome here. I really liked the child's perspective and found it convincing: the clouds inside the car, the white leather that makes him slip around, the glint on the exterior that blinds those on the street, HIS feeling of pride or (being special) b/c he's in the car, and his need for reenforcement of that specialness--where's my candy? I also like the balance b/w the child's inner world and the outer world we begin to see via the other family members' interactions. Could be something to explore further.
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